I have a terror of dark water where I can’t see the bottom. I have dreams at least twice a month about being in a wide, dark ocean as far as the eye can see, or at least some variation thereof. Water is supposed to symbolize your emotions in dreams. And lately it would definitely be appropriate that I’m sitting pretty in an ocean, ha. Recently I’ve had to let go of many things that were once the most important things in my life. But new things can’t happen until some things end, and this is the way the world works; sometimes there’s simply no more room in your life for anything else and so something has to be either changed or removed.
My point being, when you are in the habit of letting go of things, sometimes you have to let go of yourself as well. Surrender to the current of events and do your best to navigate them as you can. I stood on a boat rocking so far, far out on lake Michigan the shore was a strip of tan in the distance. The waves were choppy. I had a life jacket on. My friend was already in the water. It was dark and so deep. I closed my eyes and jumped in and let myself sink under.
I was fucking terrified!
However I don’t think anyone else noticed. Much. I claimed my shivering up to the coolness of the water..
“I have to pee!” our six year old companion declared. Yah no jokes kid, you’re not the only one here.
“Charming,” his father replied in response.
I made myself lay on my back and let the waves carry me where they will for a few moments, trying my best not to imagine some THING grabbing me by the ankles and pulling me under.
But the water was refreshing, the waves carrying me where the will. The sky was a brilliant blue above me, endless and open. Truly surrendering everything, all of my senses (including my instinct to get the hell back on the boat) was powerful, and for a brief moment I understood that some things in life and the universe are too powerful to fight. Some things you must give yourself to and only then will that power become part of yourself and your own experience.
Anyways I ramble too much.